Continuing the expeditions of Jeff MacNelly, James Kilpatrick, and Eugene McCarthy, with apologies.

The Climber

Drawn to power, Climbers are rumored to have been present, in immaculately powdered wigs, at the opening of the very first Capitol chambers in D.C. The species has changed its appearance over time through the use of a chameleon-like talent for mirroring the prevailing sartorial and social trends of the era. Its intellectual ambivalence and moral flexibility allows it to use its greatest tool, the ability to ingratiate, with aplomb. Ever eager to please, the Climber portrays itself as selfless, perhaps to disguise the fact that it seeks only to further its own selfish agenda. Its life is a ceaseless effort to push itself up the political, social, or professional ladder on which it resides. Climbers have no sense of personal space or decorum, and can often be seen at the heels, or in the side offices, of some of the town’s most disreputable, yet powerful, people. They are so plentiful and adaptive that they, at times, may seem indistinguishable from their powerful superiors. However, around holidays, a strange penchant for costumes is often the trait that betrays the Climber and its well-known obsession for blending in. One easy tip for those interested in further study: find the staffer in the bunny costume at the White House Easter Egg Roll.

 

-Danny Grosso

Continuing the expeditions of Jeff MacNelly, James Kilpatrick, and Eugene McCarthy, with apologies.

The Stubborn Base

The Stubborn Base is an infectious, multi-entity organism that harnesses its throngs of moving parts for the converse purpose of denying movement. It is often grouped in boisterous regional colonies that seem desirable to otherwise unindoctrinated outsiders looking for a place to belong. Perceived desirability is the ruse by which the SB spreads its contagion – for it is often predation, not accommodation, that guides this organism’s behavior. Once the colony peaks the interest of its prey, the SB then momentarily distracts it by offering the illusion of fealty in great numbers. It then unleashes its pestilence. Neophytes and second-tier candidates are seduced by overtures in chorus from the SB, only to find out later, sadly, that the organism is tone deaf. Alas, by then it is too late; the SB has already infected the unsuspecting victim, depriving it of any capacity for original thought. Moreover, the contagion leaves any associated campaign paralyzed by outdated dogmas, polarizing rhetoric, and web-like infra-alliances that weigh down, slow, and eventually halt any vital momentum.

The SB can take many forms, but may sometimes be identified by blocky growths on the feet of its sub-entity members, the presence of wall-like physical and rhetorical structures around the colony, and the tacky habit of members wearing similar headgear.

-Danny Grosso